This sample response to the 2016 VATE trial exam paper is an excellent paper. There are a few things the author could improve on, namely understanding of argument changes through the middle of the two pieces. Not picking up on these nuances is what cost this piece a 10/10 score. Additionally, the second piece was not intended to be a response to the first. The piece is also quite long - in reality, you only need three paragraphs (and a total of about 800-1000 words). Nevertheless, it showcases strong analysis, and varied phrasing.
In the ‘Away’ magazine’s monthly column ‘Well Travelled!’, authors Angela Stavrou and Jack Nguyen talk about the benefits of visiting Hong Kong and Victoria respectively. While Stavrou employs an exhortative and upbeat tone to give a sense of excitement to her middle-class, travel-interested readers, Nguyen prefers a more cool, logical tone. Both authors aim to give a sense of the reasons to travel to the same places they have gone.
Note: brief as this looks, this introduction contains all the key elements required.
For a more in-depth training on how to write perfect argument analysis introductions, see this video: 2 Minute Intros for a 40+: Argument Analysis VCE
Stavrou opens her piece by pointing out that you do not need to be rich in order to travel to Hong Kong. By noting she and her husband “watch the bank account” for the “coffers to be full enough”, she employs colloquial and informal language in order to make herself amenable to her middle class readers, and to obviate their financial concerns regarding travel, generally considered pricey and thus only frequent for the very well off. This is added to by her referencing her personal anecdote, an “effusive recommendation from friends at a dinner party”, further painting her as an everyday person, and Hong Kong as affordable. This also helps to show her as reliable, promoting a destination she and her friends enjoyed, despite working for hotel chain “Endless Sky Hotels” that likely has accommodation in Hong Kong. She goes on to further argue the financial side, promoting the “designer brands” of the “shopping mecca”, likening Hong Kong to a religious pilgrimage, but also to a land of luxury. She augments this by listing “jade, jewellery and gold”, further adding to an image of opulence, and shifting her focus to the cultural nuance of the area, evoking its regional, exotic charm through descriptions of “local markets” and “an authentic local experience”. By creating an image of “happy” locals ready to “laugh”, she leads the reader to view Hong Kong as a welcoming, culture-rich destination. Thus, Stavrou positions her audience to see the city as a luxurious but affordable cultural experience.
Having evoked images of a “bustling” but “beautiful” asian city, highlighted in the boxed quote, she goes on to further extol its cultural attractions, both historical and modern. Stavrou juxtaposes her description of markets with “serene” and “timeless gardens”, appealing to those in her audience who would prefer a less fast-paced holiday, portraying Hong Kong as having something for everyone. Her use of the word “serene” connotes calm, and when pieced with “timeless”, it adds to her idea of walking “back in time”, creating the idea of a true historical experience. This is furthered by her new images of “incense floating through…gardens”. Her appealing to a range of travel-oriented benefits continues as she presents the “breathtaking views” of the “Victoria peak” and “Victoria harbour”. Her use of “surreal” asks the audience to view her experience as better than real life, her image added to by the simile of sparkling “like an emerald”, a reference back to her previous points about the opulence of the city. Stavrou then augments the grandeur of the light show she witnessed by comparing it to other well known light spectacles in other foreign cities, likely known to be very impressive by her travel-conscious audience, and heightens the magnificence by arguing, relying on her ethos as a frequent traveller, that “this beats it all”. The sense of grandeur is increased by the use of the image, depicting high buildings between a river and a forest. The idea of the city that can be both busy and near nature is thus heightened. The image of the past and the present is furthered by the setting sun, traditionally beautiful and romantic, a special moment in the day not to be missed. The sun shining off the buildings adds to this, showing the city to be not only in tandem with nature and history, but also adding to it. Finally, her use of the words “majesty” and “awe” regarding the city paint it as almost regal, returning to her description of it as luxurious, and she finishes by reiterating that anyone wanting to travel overseas should go to Hong Kong.
Note: the topic sentences are closely focused on the key arguments of the overall section being analysed.
The month after, Jack Ngyuen argues all we need in travel is already nearby, in Victoria. He employs a rational tone to explain he had been everywhere, but that it was “kind of embarrassing” he hadn't seen his own hometown, employing the same informal language as Stavrou to endear himself to his audience. By beginning noting all the places he'd been to, and how he didn't regret them, Nguyen obviates blames for bias, despite working for Tourism Victoria. However, he likens them to a kind of “fool’s gold” in comparison to the “treasure” Victoria has to offer, using the connotations of this word to indicate they may be hidden, but are definitely worth finding. By describing those who don't know about their own country as somewhat “unpatriotic”, he appeals to feelings of patriotism in his Australian audience, challenging the Australian value of pride in our unique culture, almost inspiring shame and regret in his audience for not travelling Victoria sooner, a sentiment he offers sympathy for as he expresses it himself. By arguing Victoria “has it all”, and “you don't have to go far”, he subtly challenges Stavrou’s depiction of cultural Hong Kong and the need to travel overseas. This challenge is continued as he mounts a case for letting “stress fade” and “calm descend” in the countryside, a contrast to the image of busyness created by Stavrou. He describes it as “a whole new world”, eliciting a sense of excitement for ‘the other’ in his readers, who may seek a bold, or adventurous holiday. Nguyen goes on to point out the practical benefits, highlighting that unlike an overseas trip, there is no “trip to the airport,” “cost”, “organising”, and “endless hours on a cramped plane”, his listing augmenting the sense of endless stress associated with overseas travel, and positioning such trips as distasteful to his readers. He further challenges the romance of an overseas trip by using a rhetorical question to impress upon his readers that the wine and cheese of Victoria “is better” than that of France, traditionally held to be the country that produces the best in the world, a sentiment that likely would come as shocking to an audience possibly interested in other countries, but thus curious to see whether his claim is true. He then reiterates that “it's only a day trip”, returning to his point about the practical benefits of touring Victoria.
Having outlined the practical disadvantages of going overseas, he then points out what Victoria has to offer. By noting the idea that Europe is great “amuses him”, he ridicules those who have been taught to believe that it is only worth travelling overseas. This is furthered by his inverted commas around “ancient monuments” of Europe, indicating they are only so called. In fact, if people want such grandeur, they would be better to seek it in the land masses that have been “here for eons”. The picturesque image of the land being a “sleeping giant” that makes us aware “of how small we are” is added to by the images, the second depicting two great weathered rocks, both far larger than the two humans walking next to them. The emptiness of the beach adds to their magnitude, showing the countryside to be august, while furthering the sense of calm Nguyen has evoked. The first image also adds to this sense, the sunset over the land challenging the sunset of Stavrou’s image, pointing out natural things should be enjoyed in nature. The romance of the scene is added to by the couple enjoying the scenery, painting Victoria as a romantic and other-worldly destination as worthy as anything overseas. Finally, Nguyen again challenges Stavrou’s lauding of international light shows, saying the very stars in the countryside are “God’s greatest fireworks display”, explaining the “real night sky” to be full of “pulsating” stars of many colours, nullifying the need to spend money on such spectacles, and pointing out one only has to take “a day trip” to enjoy the full beauty of nature. His metaphor likening the stars to fireworks augments the sense of their splendour, while describing them as of God likens them to the divine, and thus an almost spiritual experience. Thus, Nguyen ends, and by pointing out it's better than a typical Australian’s weekend, he subtly reminds his readers that for them, this beauty can be seen within a weekend and at low expense.
While both authors employ ethos to remind their readers they have expert opinions, Stavrou relies somewhat more on pathos than Nguyen, painting exotic images designed to engender a desire to see foreign cultures in her readers. Conversely, Nguyen uses logos to appeal to his middle-class audience, promoting a still more cost-effective and practical, but equally magnificent, travel experience.
Note: this piece would probably have received the same score even if it were a whole paragraph shorter. The score comes not from the amount of analysis, but the quality. 1000 words is all you need to show great writing ability.
Graded by: VCAA Assessor
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